Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Nothing But The Truth

This is what I look like in the morning

Ever since I signed up for an online dating site, I’ve been pondering the omissions that I’ve made on my profile. I haven’t out and out lied, and put something ridiculous like, “Totally into outdoor sports, and enjoy waking up early on a weekend morning so that I can go set up a tent in the woods.”, but neither have I admitted what some may see as my downfalls. Well, you don’t, do you? It’s most unbecoming. You are, in essence, trying to sell yourself, and you don’t admit things that may possibly be contentious issues for your suitors. You leave them as fun surprises for people to find.

However, if I WERE to be honest…

About Me

Female, 25, Tasmania

I packed my car to the brim last year and moved from New South Wales to Tassie. The only thing that I forgot to pack was some people to go to gigs and restaurants and other things with.

In the morning I dislike: loud noises, talking, touching, other people. Any of the above can lead to bodily harm. I also look like I’m wearing a clown wig in the morning. This is not a joking matter.

I am a shit cook. Betty Crocker, I ain’t. Thankfully, I haven’t poisoned anybody yet (it’s hard to give people food poisoning with lentils), but there’s every chance that you’d be the first.

I swear like a sailor, and the more excited I get, the more f-bombs that leave my lips. I don’t intend for this to happen. I’m capable of switching it off for work and when I’m around old people, but catch me in a good mood when I’m in my civvies, and you may get a bit of a shock.

I think that every conversation can be improved by mentioning ninjas/zombies/monkeys/robots.

I am not above making “that’s what she said” jokes in front of your mother.

I do not find fishing/camping/bushwalking/hunting to be fun pursuits. I walk from my car to the shops. I walk around the shops. I walk back to my car. This is quite enough outdoor activity for me. I don’t mind a bit of a traipse through the bush but if it’s something that requires special footwear, I’m not interested.

I strongly believe in mobile phone etiquette, and will get on my soapbox if you cross any invisible lines in your mobile phone usage.

Seeking Criteria

I will not accept: racists, homophobes, sexists, alcoholics, people old enough to be my parents, men who show more chest than me, or men who wear sandals.

Unless I ask, I am not interested in your previous relationships. And neither do I want to help you analyse exactly where it went wrong.

Please don’t think that you’re original by saying, “I’m not staring at your boobs – I’m just looking at your piercings, hur hur hur.”

I am looking for somebody with somewhat advanced grammatical and spelling skills; somebody who can spell my name is a bonus. No, my name isn’t that hard to spell, but this HAS been an issue in the past.

I am looking for someone who enjoys engaging in conversation. I like to talk.

I am looking for someone who can take a joke. I will make fun of you at some point, and I don’t want you to have a sad attack about it.

I am looking for someone who is not a tool.

All that meet this criteria, please apply below.

For the rest of you, bugger off.

1 comment:

  1. Hur hur hur. You said "tool".

    Sorry. Couldn't help myself.

    Yay for ninjas.

    I have clown hair when I wake up in the morning too. It's hilarious. Apparently. I know this because I've heard about how hilarious it is basically since I had hair. Everyone has commented on it from my siblings to kids at school camps (when I was at school as a school kid) to kids and colleagues at school camps (when I was at school as a teacher) to ... err, to ... ah, to other people who might have seen me in the morning for whatever reason. Erm. Like ... when they popped in to borrow a cup of sugar or whatever.

    Oh ok. So gentlemen callers who may have stayed the night have also mentioned the hilarious morning clown hair. Sheesh. Beat it out of me why don't you?



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